Rock of Doubt

Written in 2018

I was walking up the beginning part of the Mount Taranaki summit track, aptly named, “The Puffer”, which by name leaves nothing to the imagination of how steep the slope is. It was a beautiful Summer’s day and I had planned on doing my routine walk up a separate track that led to one of my favourite places with a view that on a day like this one would let me see the distant three mountains of the Tongariro National Park. As I drove to the familiar carpark however, I felt a little prompt to attack The Puffer, a much longer, much steeper track that was not a regular one for me instead. 

As I set off, ringing in my expected time details with Zach to allow for any mishaps while on this beautiful mountain, I felt the second prompting of the day at the base of the track - that I should pick up a rock and carry it with me for a while.

I sighed and in my arrogance thought I knew what the purpose was going to be before I gave the Holy Spirit a chance to whisper any other truths in - I would carry the palm sized rock which would be representative of some sort of concern I had and then throw it off the side of the mountain, choosing to let go of the emotional or spiritual baggage that I had picked up somewhere in my life recently with it. It seemed incredibly cliché but I trusted the process even if I was slightly irritated as I accepted that now not only was this going to be a hard walk but one I had to carry a rock on too.

The track began like any good track that likes to lure you into a false sense of hope with a gradual slope, maybe even a little downhill for a while. I let my mind flick over over the events that had been happening lately. I was in the middle of a crisis in my life, where it felt like everything had fallen all around me. I tried to do everything I could to keep the hope I had always known secure and full, but in all honesty hope was at what seemed at that point at its lowest. I found it difficult to read scripture well as I didn’t know where to look, all I saw was prayers being answered which was not the story I could see for myself in the moment, so I relied heavily on worship music, repeating several simple statements in faith over and over, heart cries for a break in the ache that was flooding me.  

I rounded a corner that anyone who has walked this track will know, goes from an expected steep mountain climb to an intense, ‘am I climbing vertical in the wide open and exposed track’, where the gradient is so extreme it burns your calves to keep you upright. I had sumitted this majestic mountain twice before, and can say without a doubt that this part of the entire hike is my absolute least favourite. I pushed myself up, one step at a time and as I got hotter and more out of breath I also couldn’t help but remember the rock I had forgotten I was holding. As soon as I realised the weight of this extra item in my hand all I could do was pass it from one hand to the next, never quite sure in which it was more comfortable, and willing myself to just set it down. It became almost infuriating, I was done with holding it and as mentioned, surely I knew the point of the illustration already? 

This gradient continued for the final stretch before reaching the small hutt in the distance. The hutt in the past had been a trail mix and water stop however today would be my turn around point. I knew I could not yet put the rock down as every time I went to I had that same inner prompting to keep hold of it, and as I neared the top of the last fifteen minutes of steepness, the purpose of the presence of this irritating accessory was revealed. And it was not what I expected. 

I stopped in my tracks as I felt the Holy Spirit gently and kindly tell me something along the lines; 

“Jenna, the rock in your hand represents doubt that you are carrying. You have always carried it, but while things were easy you didn’t know it was even there, it was light and had become a part of you. As you face this time of crisis and things have become harder than they ever have before, the doubt you have been unknowingly carrying has become not only obvious, but heavy. Until we address the cause of the doubt together, you will not be able to find comfort to ease its heavy weight. It will slow you down and hold you back, taking all of your attention so you cannot focus on walking well. My plan and desire for you is to be free of this, and I want to hear the questions you have, you just need to ask me, you just need to trust me.”

A holy hush made everything feel like the world momentarily stopped around me.

Here I was, body burning from the climb and looking like an absolute beetroot or tomato depending on the way the light hit my face, standing on the mountain I admired with awe every day and not a single person or breath of air around me, sensing something so significant that would impact my life forever. What a holy moment of correction and invitation from the One who loves me like no other. 

If you had asked me that morning as I fumbled in my bible and repeated the same worship songs for the millionth time if I had any doubts about my faith in God, I would have told you absolutely not. He is my rock and my salvation, my fortress that hides me and keeps me from falling - to paraphrase a favourite verse! (Psalm 62v2). 

But as I stood there alone in the majesty of creation that made my heart swell with joy, holding a rock that I had carried in obedience, I felt the flood of questions of doubt come spewing forward. It was like the lie had been exposed, the lie of how I felt that was so thick it had fooled even me, simmering away like a pot of boiling water with the lid about to topple off from the steam. There was no denying it, I was carrying doubt, and it was heavy. Too heavy for me to hide, too heavy for me to hold. Permission had been granted and it was time to be honest with God about some questions for the first time in a long time. 

I realised in a moment that I was so afraid of what I would look like to God and to others if I expressed any of the doubt that had embedded itself deep in my core. How could I say I love Jesus, be involved in church leadership and ministry if I was doubting the very God I encouraged others to throw themselves toward whole-heartedly? It felt hypocritical and I wasn’t going to have a bar of it -  the only subconscious response had been to bury the questions down deep, leave the door locked and recite scripture and songs until it brought me to a better place. Until now. 

It is almost laughable now to know that I thought like this, not in a condemning or belittling way but in an innocent way. The same way I laugh at my puppy when she tries to jump up onto something she is too small to get on, or at my nephews and nieces as they use big words out of context. It is laughable that I thought having bravado in my pain was encouraging to others, when now I am learning that allowing vulnerability and honesty is what really brings breakthrough. 

It is so easy to type that sentence - allowing vulnerability and honesty is what really brings breakthrough - but an entirely different experience to live out. To be able to drop this rock of doubt once and for all I would need to learn not just how to ask my questions but I also needed to learn the way to make sure I could drop this rock of doubt and leave it behind for good.